How to Support a Woman After a Miscarriage

For many women, a miscarriage is a devastating experience of loss. Her deep sense of grief is compounded exponentially when loved ones feel unable to help a woman cope. Feelings of emptiness, longing, sadness, loneliness, and confusion following a miscarriage are much more difficult to navigate when a woman feels alone in her suffering.

I experienced such a loss when a much anticipated pregnancy ended in miscarriage. As with many painful experiences in life, perhaps the best we can take from our sorrows is what we learned by moving through them. After a time of grief, I was able to move on and find hope again. I did not forget my pregnancy or my baby. I still think about that time with a mixture of happiness for having known the wonder of the pregnancy, and sadness for having lost that dream. I hope that these tips will help another woman benefit from what I learned about grieving a miscarriage.

1. Acknowledge the loss. If you know someone who is having a difficult time coping with a recent miscarriage, understand that it is an equivalent, if not more difficult, sorrow to grieve than any other death of a loved one.

When we lose a family member or close friend, we have established rituals, appropriate language and expectations of how to communicate our sympathies. When a woman loses her chance at motherhood, there is no universally understood etiquette for how to respond. On the contrary, miscarriage is typically shrouded in silence.

Expressing your sympathy about a miscarriage in person, over the phone, by email, or a sympathy card can go a long way to helping your loved one feel comforted and less alone - and that her baby was important to someone else.

2. Listen. Ask if she wants to talk about the miscarriage, and be ready to listen quietly and attentively as she shares what has happened and her feelings. This takes courage, and courage is exactly what a grieving mother needs from you.

For the first few weeks after my pregnancy loss, I felt, in addition to many other feelings, a sense of disbelief. I needed to retell the story over and over again to try to understand what had happened to me and my baby, and to try to make peace with it.

On the other hand, remind her that if she doesn't wish to talk, that is OK, too. You will be there whenever she is ready, and for however long she needs you to listen. I was most moved by friends who had the bravery to call me and ask how I was doing. Often the instinct of our friends and family is to give us space, but too much space can leave us feeling even more alone in our grief.

3. Tell the mother that what happened is not her fault. A woman who has suffered a miscarriage will ask herself over and over again what she may have done to cause the loss of her baby.

Miscarriages are very common; estimates of how often a pregnancy ends in loss are in the 1 to 3 or 1 to 4 range. Some women endure multiple miscarriages (this is a common enough occurrence that many doctors will not run tests until a woman has suffered three or more pregnancy losses). The truth is that pregnancies can end suddenly for a number of reasons, and while it may not bring comfort to a woman to never know exactly what caused a miscarriage, it will help her immensely to be able to let go of any feelings of guilt.

Tell her as many times as she needs to hear it that the loss wasn't because of something she did or didn't do.

4. Do not tell her that her miscarriage was "a blessing in disguise" - that she probably lost the baby because it wasn't healthy.

No woman who wants to be a mother, who has already fallen in love with her baby, and who has hopes and dreams for her beloved child wants to think there is any reason she is better off that she had a miscarriage. A potential illness would not have been a reason for me to think it was better not to have known my baby.

This is also not the time to suggest she can always have another baby. Another pregnancy or future baby is not a comfort to a woman grieving her current loss. From experience, having a baby after a miscarriage does not "replace" the one who was lost.

5. Let her rest. Encourage her to sleep and take care of herself. Do more around the house so she can recover from her grief. Make her load lighter in any way you can. Cook healthy meals and leave them in her fridge or at her door. In a week, do it again.

Anyone who is grieving after losing a baby could use extra help getting through the day. My household did not function while my partner and I were in the early weeks of shock and grief. It was a blessing to have friends offer to bring by complete meals, to save us from night after night of having to figure out what to eat, or to order unhealthy take out. Delivering a care package specific to her needs at this time is a thoughtful gesture can encourage relaxation and healing.

6. Allow her to feel comfortable in asking for whatever she needs. When friends and family enable a woman to ask for help - something that is difficult for many of us at the best of times - a doorway opens. Feeling able to ask my friends and family to drop by with food, to babysit my three year old, or to just spend time with me was wonderful.

Knowing there were people there for me, on standby day or night, made me feel loved and cared for, and took away a share of the pain.

7. Encourage healing touch. Make an appointment for your loved one at a spa or with a registered massage therapist. Being treated gently by someone's warm, healing hands can do wonders to release the sadness, grief and tension that we hold in our bodies. Pampering someone who is physically and emotionally in pain can only help.

After my miscarriage, I made myself an appointment for a hot stone massage one day, and a manicure the next. I would not have been able to have the hot stone massage if I was pregnant, and I was grateful to be able to indulge myself in this way. To be treated gently by the maternal woman who soaked my hands, massaged them and called me "sweetie" as she painted my nails was like a gift from the universe.

8. Tell her that she should take as much time as she needs to heal. Losing a pregnancy can leave a woman feeling physically ill for days, and emotionally and psychologically drained for much longer. Rest is important, and taking the time to stay home from work should be encouraged. Any good doctor will be willing to write a note to an employer stating that bed rest is needed under these circumstances

9. Offer to attend counselling with her. Not only can counselling help a woman move through the stages of grief, a good counsellor can offer helpful suggestions about how to deal specifically with grief after a miscarriage.

My counsellor helped immensely by suggesting books and websites that might help. She also suggested rituals including building a strength totem, naming the baby, writing the baby a letter, and memorializing the baby in a way that felt right to me. I am to this day indebted to the counsellor whose treatment of my loss was gentle and solemn, kind and wise.

10. Ask whether you might participate in a memorial to the baby. There are many websites that offer suggestions of how you might do this. There are jewelers who make personalized pendants, necklaces and key chains for women who have miscarried, with their baby's name and due date. There are online virtual memorials devoted to "angels" who are dearly loved and missed by their families. There are organizations devoted to supporting women who have suffered a miscarriage, which take donations in the name of a lost baby.

Encourage her to take the time to think about what might feel right to her, and to talk to you about whether she would like to include you in a memorial. Respect her wishes if she would prefer to do this alone, or not at all.

I hope these tips are of use to anyone who wishes to support a woman who needs help coping with a miscarriage. My warmest wishes and gratitude to all of you who do.

Nicole Breit is a published author and poet. Her debut poetry collection, I Can Make Life, explores the physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual impact of fertility treatments, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, and birth (available exclusively at blurb.com). I Can Make Life was a finalist for the 2012 Mary Ballard Poetry competition, and has been described as a "gorgeous memoir in verse". Her essay, “For Tristan: A Meditation on Loss, Grief and Healing” was published in The Sound of Silence: Journeys Through Miscarriage (Wombat Books, 2011). She is also the author of a number of online pregnancy loss resources. Follow her writing journey on her blog, Writing for my Life, or on twitter @NicoleBreit.